I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
