Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize