I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
