can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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