As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
