He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
