im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
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