I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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