Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
