im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
