i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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