you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
