Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
