You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
