and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
