drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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