When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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