More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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