I wish my penis had an off switch
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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