don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
