But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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