I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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