Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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