While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
