I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Found the puke drawer
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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