Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
