So drunk its hurt
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
