I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
