Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
