gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
