Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
