My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
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