Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
