Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
operation have a gay friend backfired
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I am one with the molecules
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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