i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
