I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
