i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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