he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
