i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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