I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
