I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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