If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
