I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize