I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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