so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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