I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Randomize
