i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
