If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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