Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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