6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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