I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
