My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
