Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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