im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize