i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
