i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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