Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
