Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
