I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
