man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You need a sexual gate keeper
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
