Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
