I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
