I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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