You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
