I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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