Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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