#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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