so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
