Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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