The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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