my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
