Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
