Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
