Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
