I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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